2021 Trends My 41 Year Old Ass Will Be Skipping

I remember when I was in my twenties I chased down every trend I could get my wrinkle free hands on. Juicy tracksuits, studded belts, baby tanks, stringy scarves, newsboy caps, low rise whiskered boot leg jeans, pashminas, I had all the greatest hits. One of the great things about being older and (not much) wiser, is no longer getting trend FOMO. I don’t feel the need to jump from trend to trend, just because the cool kids are doing it. If a trend works for me and my lifestyle I’ll try and probably keep it long past the time of the average trend, but if it doesn’t it’s the easiest of passes. Speaking of passes, I don’t know if it’s because we’ve all been cooped up for the past year, but some of the 2021 trends are insane and very easy for me to pass up…

Random Cutouts/Keyholes/Backless 2021 cutouts seem to be either where my obliques used to be, or where they will impede my bra wearing abilities. I need to wear a bra, ok? I cannot wear tops with gaping holes that will either show my sturdy 18 hour mom bra, or force me to go braless only to eventually trip over my own boobs. I won’t do it.

Second Skin Tops Listen, no one appreciates a fitted black turtleneck more than your girl, NO ONE. But this new crop of second skin tops is a bridge too far. These semi-sheer printed tops remind me of those terrible take tattoo shirts, and bear an uncanny resemblance to sausage casing. If there’s one rule in my fashion playbook it’s “don’t wear anything that will make you look like sausage”.

Racing Flag Check I know this is THE cool girl trend right now, but i hate it. I normally love checks, my wardrobe has a disproportionate amount of plaids and ginghams, but this trend is a little Scenes From An Italian Restaurant meets Daytona 500 for my liking.

Corsets My foremothers fought way too hard for me to ever smush my body into corset with a clear conscience. What’s next, a bustle?

Midriff Floss Is this the cousin of random cutouts? How upsetting is a top that is both cropped, and then wants to tie a string around 40-something belly? No thank you

Micro Minis This is not an age thing, I am incredibly uncomfortable in a micro mini and always have been. I need the peace of mind of knowing that my nooks and crannies will remain covered.

Napkin Tops Seriously, GTFO of here. This is the most baffling of 2021 trends for me. How can anyone with anything bigger than an A cup wear this? First of all I’d need those napkin strings to be made of titanium if they’re going to have a fighting chance of saving my 40-something boobies from gravity’s grip. And what happens if a stiff breeze blows through? Nip city.

Fake G Strings Did the designers of today learn nothing from the exposed whales tales of our youth? They are building fake g strings right into clothes now! This had to start as a joke, right? Like some young TikTokker who is the new Tina Fey saw the old SNL mom jeans skit and was inspired? Please?

Let me know what 2021 trends you’re skipping, and stay tuned for trends I’m actually excited for!